Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I don't need a thesaurus I know a lot of very very very good words

   Sometimes I feel like I'm a Fruit Loop in a bowl full of Cheerios.

   "It didn't make him stronger" - My gravestone, prolly..

   Dear Fellow Americans,,, Can't we just all agree to write in "literally anyone else" on our ballots this November?

   I was thinkin,,,The obituaries section in the newspaper would be more interesting if they told you how the person died.

   Right before I die, I'm getting my hand stamped,,,,, Just in case I wanna come back in again.

   A guy outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I told him, I feel like it would take longer than that

   How come we can put a man on the moon but we can't made a smoke alarm that can differentiate between a house fire and cooking sausages?

   The filling in this fortune cookies tastes like paper..

   What do you mean I have to tie up my robe?.. This is a cape.

   I'm in my underwear on the porch in a rocking chair drinking my coffee................. Man,, Is this Cracker Barrel packed this morning or what?

   My dad's ability to drive with one hand while reaching back and smacking the right child, somehow always impressed me... Happy father's day dad!

   Honey-girl,,,,, your skirt is so short ,,,, your STD's are showing

   Not a lot of people know this, but if you dress up like a pirate and go into Red Lobster, you eat for free.

   The word 'phonetically' doesn't even start with an F ....... FYI,,, crap like THAT,,, is why most aliens fly right past us

   I will put a comma wherever I want. If I pause,,,, you pause

   Some people think I'm pretty funny until they marry me.

   FYI: You find out if the NSA is listening to your call by singing SWEET CAROLINE and if more than one voice responds with bum bum bum THEN YOU KNOW

   Look,,, all I'm saying is I've never seen Bruce Jenner and Caitlyn Jenner in the same room.

   Umm,, Why does everyone in Cracker Barrel look like the cast of Mama's Family?