andrew jackson Funny Status Messages
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We need to start naming hurricanes after rappers. People might evacuate quicker if they know hurricane Ghostface Killah is coming.
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it just me or is waking up at 3am and trying to read a text message is like looking directly into the sun?
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No thanks CVS, I don’t need a bag. I’ll just wrap up my purchase in the 12 foot receipt you just gave me.
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I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever I’m making important life decisions.
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Money not buying you happiness? Wire it into my account and I'll send you pictures of how happy it makes me. Problem solved.
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I carry a yoga mat but it's only because I get sleepy after lunch
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if I was rich, I'd do nothing all day from a much nicer couch
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The number of people that confuse 'to' and 'too' is two darn high.
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If history has taught us anything, it's that reheated french fries are gross.
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The cashier at this self checkout is horrible.
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And with the official start of baseball season today, the Chicago Cubs have already been eliminated from the playoffs.
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Society has put an unnecessary amount of effort into the advancement of yogurt.
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I run a support group for cats that have never had their pics posted on the internet.
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I guess it's time to face the reality that I just do not want to rock and roll all night. Nor do I wish to party eva-ree day.
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If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
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If you play my workday backwards, it’s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying
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What if, when you see your therapist jotting down notes, he is only writing his tweets for the next day from your dialog?. Think about it.
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When a financial adviser asks me my goals I'm embarrassed to admit that it's to ride a snowmobile on the moon
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Went shopping alone and the cashier asked, "How are you guys doing?" Now I'm 90% sure he can see ghosts and one is following me around.
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That girl who sells seashells by the seashore is a moron
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