Nipper Funny Status Messages

   I hate it when I shake it too hard & a drop of pee hits me in the face. These guys probably think it's my first day as a bathroom attendant.

   Been coughing all night & day, can't seem to stop. Guess I should go see a movie.

   Just to annoy my therapist, I’ll ask him; “so how does needing therapy after seeing me make you feel?"

   I hate being called a heavy drinker so I'm going to start eating less and lose a few pounds.

   Hay girls! Not getting to swallow is like dropping your ice cream cone.

   Sorry for nicking your car with my door, but you didn't leave much room. It's small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.

   I saw a sign that said "falling rocks", so I tried and it doesn’t.

   All I want for christmas is to keep the things i've got.

   I took my sister to a NASCAR rase and all I got was this lousy son/nephew.

   Smoking weed can reduce stress levels by more than two thirds, according to my research.

   Wife: Maybe you mock everything as a defense mechanism? Me: [mocking voice] Maybe you mock everything as a defense mechanism?

   The inventor of predictive text has died. His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

   A flying insect just flew into my kitchen and exploded. I think it was a Jihaddy long legs.

   You all take typos way too serious, you gays.

   I like to think of bathwater as ”Me tea.”

   A teardrop tattoo means they're a giant cry baby, so don't forget to tease them relentlessly about it.

   I just won 8 straight games of rock paper scissors against that predictable c@nt Edward Scissorhands.

   Today's IDGAF award goes to the guy who named the fireplace.

   Wedding cake…One last reminder of what it was like to shove something in her mouth.

   I remember when going viral meant having to tell several people they better get tested.