Baddie Funny Status Messages

   don't go outside, people talk to you. i'm still shaking.

   My favorite sexual position is pretty much any of them. I'm just glad to be involved.

   If Walmart really wanted to help its customers, they'd sell teeth.

   It's okay I'll text myself back.

   My wife gave me a coupon good for one blowjob on my birthday. I redeemed it with her friend Betty.

   No one will ever look at you the way I do.. .. .. But thats probably because no one will ever do it from the tree outside your window

   2015 and I still can't believe it's not butter!

   Social Media: When you can't stand being around human beings but also can't stand to be alone with your thoughts.

   I don't want feelings. I just want pizza.

   No Miley, Santa doesn’t have a "twerkshop"

   You may remember me from such events as ruining Christmas dinner.

   Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won't be the worst reason we ever went to war.

   Relationship Status: Intercepting blown kisses.

   90% of socializing is wondering what to do with your hands when out in public.

   But Officer, that's just my medicinal sawed-off shotgun.

   [During Interview] "Do you have any questions?" - Yeah, in The Titanic why did Jack sink when he died but everyone else floated?

   If your dog weighs less than 10lbs, it's technically a cat

   Sorry I asked for a receipt when you gave me your heart..

   Christmas Gift idea: Take her to the Planetarium so she can see the world doesn't revolve around her.

   Sorry I accidentally turned off all the lights and played dead when you knocked on the door.