eengrms Funny Status Messages

   Marriage is like wine. It gets better with age. Also it makes you say things you regret...

   By 2050, four out of every five Americans will be a Duggar...

   Dr. Huxtable was an OB/GYN with an office in his home basement. I mean, come on...

   “It's not up for discussion,” is a thing I say to my wife when I’m absolutely certain I want to spend the next six hours discussing it...

   I really don't want to interact with other human beings today if I can help it...

   It's too bad North Korea couldn't have gotten the new Night at the Museum movie canceled instead...

   Representatives from AOL say that no one from North Korea has dialed in to their service for almost 8 hours now...

   For our next trick, we should hack into North Korea's TV system and put Jersey Shore on repeat...

   So you'll be able to buy Girl Scout Cookies online this year... Your move Weight Watchers...

   Statistics say more than one third of marriages start online. The other two thirds will end online...

   Winning the game using deflated balls? Is this the NFL or the Tour De France?

   If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, will Brian Williams still claim he chopped it down?

   Looking at how successful all the Kardashian women are, I don't blame Bruce Jenner at all...

   I really like compliments but I don't want anyone talking to me...

   This has to be the only "holiday" created by someone with a speech impediment...

   We need to celebrate an anti-mothers day to reward those kids who made it through high school without getting knocked up...

   If Timehop is good for one thing, it's to remind me that I peaked a few years ago...

   If you ever look in the mirror and wonde if your look is still in style, remember there are still guys with pony tails so you're probably not that bad...

   Tropical storm Bill sucked so bad they've officially renamed it Tropical Storm Monica...

   What are they going to do now if they ever do a reboot of the Dukes of Hazzard?