andrew jackson Funny Status Messages
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We'll look back someday and realize the rise of the machines began with automatic toilets flushing before we're done.
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Just bought an actual CD, then put on my bonnet and churned the rest of the butter before Pa got back from the silversmith
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I learned about life from 'Adventures In Babysitting.' The city is full of freaks and as long as your hair is fabulous you will not die
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Why do we have silencers for guns but not for boxes of movie theater candy?
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BREAKING: DNA evidence clears curiosity, cat murderer still at large.
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Yes, a Catholic school girl uniform will attract attention. But I don't think that is the look you want. Sir.
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This is gonna date me, but I remember when people used turn signals to notify other drivers of their intentions.
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I really like the phrase "inspector gadget level incompetence"
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Fun thing to do #53: confuse room service bringing breakfast to you by exclaiming, "You shouldn't have! Did the children help?"
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Pretty sure my dog would make a horrible astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare her
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Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer. Hug your casual acquaintances. Fist bump a frenemy.
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Each cigarette you smoke takes six minutes off your life. A friend of mine was such a heavy smoker he actually went back in time.
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French toast is just regular toast that smokes cigarettes and has a tiny mustache.
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Mike Tyson claims he was high during fights. Strange he seemed so normal and in control of himself.
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The guy who decided how to spell bologna was clearly in over his head.
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The first rule of Thesaurus Club is you don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss or chat about Thesaurus Club.
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I'm old enough to remember when the lamest thing in the world was to take pictures of yourself, like you had no friends
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Attention people that only post inspirational quotes: we know you're nuts.
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BREAKING: PETA releases shock video of tiger, caught by toe, being detained despite hollering.
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Just saw a store that already has Easter decorations out
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