Nipper Funny Status Messages

   I'm extremely happy which can only mean that life is going to get real fucky here any minute.

   Your tongue is a very powerful muscle. It's strong enough to get your feaking teeth knocked out...

   I hate it when my kid starts crying in the middle of the night and I have to get up to close the bedroom door.

   Note to self... the shower curtain cannot save you from falling.

   I can keep a secret like nobody's business.

   We need to start worrying about what kind of world we are going to leave for Keith Richards.

   I have to sit in the passenger seat of a car driven by a 16 yr old with a learner's permit you don't scare me.

   Welcome to Celebrity Impersonators Club. Please have a seat. There's plenty of Chers.

   Found a grey pubic hair today. I didn’t freak out too much but the others in the elevator looked terrified.

   Oh... you were saying 'good boy' to the dog? Guess I'll just put these back on. Awkward.

   When is National Slap a Co-worker Day? Please say tomorrow

   I tried taking up the guitar recently to impress girls but they were disgusted when I could only get the neck in.

   Although no words have been spoken, I'm pretty sure the dude in the next stall just challenged me to a beat-boxing contest.

   You can learn a lot about a woman by watching her load a gun.

   If you don't like someone, fart in their microwave and set it for 15 minutes

   Human rights bill currently prevents cabinet ministers from being executed by anti-aircraft missile.

   She has a permanent marker addiction. It's written all over her face.

   You know the relationship is over when you have to buy your stuff back from a garage sale...

   If you're quiet enough you don't even have to ask for permission before petting a guide dog

   My life is loosely based on a true story.