Gripenfelter Funny Status Messages

   Trojan rejected my safe sex slogan today. "Don't kid yourself".

   And the most googled topic right now is: How to move to Canada.

   So I guess once you go black you can't go back...you have to go orange.

   Canadian Immigration site just crashed...no seriously, it crashed last night around 10:30 pm due to high traffic...let that sink in for a bit.

   The dust has settled, the votes have been counted, the U.S. has decided on their President. As a country you guys should try to unite and move forward, find common ground, and settle your differences. Democrats, stroke their elephant. Republicans, kiss th

   I know this is short notice, but does anyone have a bear costume I can borrow to scare the people camped outside Best Buy for Black Friday?

   2016 claimed another one...RIP Rhonda Rousey.

   Everything I know about electricity I learned from watching my drunk friends do home repairs.

   I can't wait till I retire so I can get up at 6 am and drive everywhere slow AF.

   There are many benefits of being fat. Take Buddha for instance. He was too heavy to be put on a cross so they told him to just sit there quietly.

   My dentist said I needed a crown. I was like “I KNOW RIGHT??”

   So cold my foot long shrunk to a 6”...I didn’t go to Subway today either.

   To the people who have smoke alarms: Where’s your sense of adventure?

   For $250/hr I will pose as a couples counselor and tell your partner they are wrong about everything.

   Feeling cute...might buy a goalie mask and go camping later...I dunno. #FridayThe13th.

   I hate waiting in lines. Hurry up and pick a suspect already.

   The things I do to make my wife happy. I'm wearing her underwear. She doesn't know I'm wearing them but when she puts them on tomorrow she'll think she lost weight.

   I always regret making a good first impression. Because there's no way I can keep that up for long.

   Remember, if you tell people who you voted for, it won’t come true

   A woman's superpower is turning an insignificant misunderstanding into a catastrophe of biblical proportions.