Nipper Funny Status Messages

   There is nothing better than a woman who's a screamer, even if it is because she just caught you spying in her window.

   Don't you hate it when people answer their own questions? I do.

   I used my removable shower head to wash under my beard, so I get it girls. I get it.

   I know it's a classy establishment when they quietly ask me to leave.

   You all take typos way too serious, you gays.

   There are ancient caveman hieroglyphics on Joan Rivers' uterine walls.

   I hate being called a heavy drinker so I'm going to start eating less and lose a few pounds.

   If you're quiet enough you don't even have to ask for permission before petting a guide dog

   I've got my own personal team of police who follow me around wherever I go out cuz that’s how I parole.

   I'm having a really bad hair day. All the humidity at this pool is making my hair frizzy, unmanageable, and hang outside my Speedo.

   When Jesus was getting crucified, I wonder if he thought --- "I bet this will look good on a necklace one day."

   If you don't like someone, fart in their microwave and set it for 15 minutes

   Wife: Maybe you mock everything as a defense mechanism? Me: [mocking voice] Maybe you mock everything as a defense mechanism?

   I feel kinda like that guy in Nirvana whom nobody really appreciates. Not Kurt Cobain or Dave Grohl, the other one.

   In 15 years' time a girl with a Brazilian won't mean a neatly trimmed vag, it'll be a head shaped like a rugby ball.

   Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.

   I saw a sign that said "falling rocks", so I tried and it doesn’t.

   I can keep a secret like nobody's business.

   I will still be nude when reading Playboy.

   Just imagine...with one touch of a button, your 5 year old could upload all your phone's photos to iCloud.