Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages
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Just sold a lawn mower on eBay. That will be the last time my neighbor wakes me up on a Saturday morning.
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I wonder if the CEO of Classmates.com cries every time he sees the word "Facebook."
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You know something bad is about to happen when someone says "Hold my beer and watch this."
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Seriously, how can it be considered stealing when my neighbor's WiFi signal was trespassing in MY house? I'm the victim here!
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Well, it's about that time of the day when I stop hitting the snooze button, wipe away the drool, open the blinds, and head on home from work.
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All the landmarks and millions of beautiful places on Google Earth, and the first thing everyone looks at is their own house.
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Chuck-E-Cheese, because it's never too early to introduce your child to poor nutrition and gambling...
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If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, "In Jesus name, amen,"
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I will never be too old to enjoy driving by a stranger, honking, and waving just to see the confused look on their face and awkward wave back.
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I hate when I'm tired and sleepy, but when I go to bed my body says "just kidding."
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It's a shame that stupidity can't be converted into a usable energy source.
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I did 26 situps this morning. It's not a lot, but then again how many times can someone snooze an alarm clock?
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Good thing I got this degree, just in case this unemployment thing doesn't work out.
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Don't be stupid, if their ex is still calling its because they're still getting an answer.
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Whoever said the camera adds 10 pounds should stop eating cameras.
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You ever notice how most Ford vehicle names are more fun when you put "anal" in front of them? Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger, Focus...
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My girl told me that her fantasy f*ck would be Brad Pitt. Then she went mental because I told her mine. Apparently Amber from next door wasn't a good answer,
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Once you get past my charm, good looks, intelligence and my sense of humor, I think it's my modesty that stands out.
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Reason why I check my voice mail... 5% Because I care about my missed calls, 95% to remove that annoying icon.
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My mirror and my camera have two completely different ideas of what I look like.
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