GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   Dear Santa! Listen here! I'll keep eating my deer jerky while you give me what I want for Christmas or Rudolph is next. Make it happen fat man!

   Christmas and Thanksgiving should be at least 6 months apart. It's insane to see these people again so soon. Absurd.

   I am the reason Santa has a naughty list.

   Dear Black Friday: We all have big screen tvs. Put those groceries on sale.

   Dear Santa: For Christmas this year I want a fat bank account and a slim body with sexy abs, but let's not get it mixed up like you did last year.

   We should have a national quiet day where everyone just shuts up for 24 hours.

   First rule of family gatherings: Always bring your own vehicle so you can leave whenever you want.

   Marriage tip: If your wife comes home in a bad mood and starts an argument for no reason like she does from time to time, just use this simple phrase: "My mom was right about you". This usually does the trick and stops the argument.

   Sometimes I don't feel like going to work... But then I remember I was born cute, not rich.

   Disney has a new movie coming out on Disney + tomorrow. Tinker Tinkerbell meets her brother, Taco.

   It takes skill to trip over cordless phones!

   The difference between humans and animals? Animals would never allow the dumbest ones to lead the pack.

   Chocolate is a vegetable due to these reasons. Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is processed from cocoa beans, and beans are vegetables.

   Santa put down the pen! I can explain everything!

   To get rid of unwanted junk during the holidays, put it in an Amazon box and leave it on the porch.

   Waking up is never easy but I just have to remember that the world can't revolve around me unless I get out of bed.

   Dear Santa! I want a fat bank account and a sexy body with rock hard abs for Christmas. Let's not get those two mixed up like you did last year.

   Whatever you got to do today, do it with the confidence of a 4yr old in a Batman cape.

   Back in my day we had so much toilet paper and eggs that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies.

   When I'm behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn't my fault.