Snotty Funny Status Messages

   The most important part of being on a gluten free diet is telling everyone about it.

   The day my kids will lose their innocence is when they figure out there is no such thing as a 3 piece chicken nugget happy meal

   I'm not a psychologist,,, but I remember when a Hot Wheels track magically cured 80% of ADHD

   North Korea changes its Facebook relationship status with the South Korea from "It's Complicated" to "War."

   I tried writing one of those braggy, family Christmas letters,, but it just started looking like a suicide note.

   I tried killing a loose bat in the garage with an empty paper towel tube. After a few weak whacks,,, we both laughed & shared a fruit roll-up

   My favorite thing about Basketball is when it's Football.

   Damn, for living in a trailer home in the woods you sure know a lot of government secrets

   My outgoing message: Hi,, I'm gonna be honest, I screen people I don't want to talk to,,, You can leave a message, but if you heard this,,,,,It's you

   "My son, one day all this will be yours," I say proudly, sweeping my hand over reams of medical charts that explain all our familys genetic defects.

   I like giving names to my furniture... Right now i'm chillin' on Oscar the Couch

   Different set of tracks. Same old train wreck.

   Don't get fooled by the free toilet paper app., My phone is ruined now

   When you consider names for your baby,,,, it's important to try out the middle name in an angry voice.

   Just convinced the teen up the street that he needs to change the winter air out of his tires and put in summer air... Don't do dope, kids.

   f a bear tries to attack you in the woods, give it your bicycle. Maybe it's one of those circus bears, you never know.

   My kitchen is actually nothing more than a fruit hospice

   I'm convinced that the employees of Ikea were just used to be customers who didn't know how to get out and just gave up.

   Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.

   My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.