Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Genie: Thank you for freeing me,, I will grant you 3 wishes, what is your first?.. Me: more wishes!.. Genie: A genie can only grant 3 wishes... Me: Well then, more genies!!.. Genie: Aww, crap

   Saturday,,,, an Olympic hopeful was killed with a starter pistol....... Police think it might be race related

   [flashlight to face]... When we were young, we only had a few TV channels... *all the kids gasp*... And there was no wifi... *4 kids puke and 2 faint*

   The guy behind me has a theory that driving his car up my arse will make the 20 cars in front of me speed up.. Hmmm,, It's just crazy enough to work.

   Setting my coffee maker to 'stun'

   Funds are low this year, so the Chex Party Mix I'm bringing to the office Birthday party is just birdseed and expired high blood pressure pills.

   I promise to avoid all cliches like the plague.

   I don't give advice because screwing up my own life requires my undivided attention

   [grocery produce aisle]... ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?.. CLERK: No, why do you ask?... CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?

   Lately, I have really begun to appreciate the versatility of the word "asshat".

   Interviewer: "can you explain this gap in your employment history?"... My high score on Flappy Bird is 763...

   And BTW,,, I'm only two microwaves away from opening my own Applebees.

   I know it's rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you're unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me

   yall tired of boiling water every time you make pasta? boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later.

   The dental hygienist asked if I have any concerns. So we talked for 20 minutes about how Kevin Durant will fit in with the Warriors.

   All I'm saying is, would it have killed Star Wars to give the audience a peek at the Death Star cafeteria?

   Why would I pay someone to scare me at a haunted house when I could just open a can of biscuits at home?

   [buying treadmill]... Me: Can I try it out first?... Salesperson: Sure... Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it).. Hmmm, I like it.

   My new years resolution was to lose 30 lbs by the end of summer... I've only got 40 lbs to go.

   A selfie stick should be called a narcissistick.