Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I like to imagine that braille on random public signs often says: "How did you know this sign was here?"

   I need one of you to stand up at my funeral and ask for his toaster back... thanks in advance

   Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.

   Me: this Weight Watchers candy is amazing.... Friend: that's just an upside down M&M

   If one of your life goals is to fight with someone about how to load a dishwasher, may I suggest marriage.

   Parenting is 25% aggravation,,, and 90% being confused by their math homework.

   911: Sir, I understand you think it was an aggressive move, and against your will,,, but we can't arrest an auto flush toilet.... Me: BUT I WASN'T READY

   Not to brag,,, but I have the high score on 7 different blood pressure machines around the city. *enters initials

   I want a closed-casket funeral when I die. And in case anyone opens it, I want one of those boxing gloves on a spring to shoot out.

   (texting from my jail cell)Yesterday was International Ninja Day, when people were encouraged to carry toy weapons and wear black masks. And as I found out the hard way, my bank wasn't celebrating it.

   Bartender says "we don't serve time travelers here".... Two time travelers walk into a bar.

   Bye, bye, Miss Canadian Pie,,,Drove my Ski-Doo, To the igloo.................................................. *This idea was stupid,, Sorry*

   Honey Boo Boo owns a Cadillac Escalade?,,, I really don't feel like I should have to pay my student loans back.

   At the hospital, I parked in the "C" section of their parking lot..... So, naturally, I had to climb out of the sunroof

   Two praying mantis' sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I......... Oh crap,,, did you see that? Daaaamn... She straight up ate him.

   "I know,, Let's tape a spider to a lobster and scare the crap out of everyone." -- God, when He made scorpions

   Karl Marx was wrong,, Religion is not the opiate of the masses... Facebook is.. Also Angry Birds...and Draw Something

   Hey know what's more fun than a baby who has just learned to take off his own diaper?.......... everything...........everything is more fun than that

   Apparently,,, Someone's been putting Rogaine on my Q-Tips and toilet paper.

   Remember,,, your odds of winning Powerball are much lower than being hit by a car. Especially if I'm driving and see you in line for a ticket.