Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Women- God's version of a Rubik's cube.

   Hey,,, That's a cool race car bed,, kid.. Maybe someday you can be like me and sleep in a real car...

   Rejected Olympic Events: Javelin Catch... Jello Shotput... Border Fencing... Cardboard Boxing... Menstrual Cycling... Salad Tossing... Wrestling Demons...

   Ironically, Seattle's Marco Polo Motel does not have a pool.

   I Just saw Detroit at the Coinstar machine...

   The Boston Red Sox are now offering peanut-free seating for fans with severe allergies... Sox officials said they want to make sure that gagging and choking only occur on the field

   So now that oil is so cheap,,,, maybe we should start drilling for black printer ink.

   Tip: If your parents are always criticizing you,,, ask them if the problem is bad genes or bad parenting.

   No matter how bad life seems, just remember,,, You can order live bees on the internet.

   It's hard to believe in evolution, when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.

   Meanwhile, Somewhere farther down on your timeline,,, your aunt just posted the "Footprints" poem on her wall again.

   If you believe the home alarm commercials, the first thing burglars do when they break into your home is smash your family pictures.

   Imagine if you found a dresser made by Jesus during his "carpenter" days. The guys on Antique Roadshow would lose their minds.

   47 min: My monthly record for using my phone as a phone

   Imagine being an adult who owns a stick that holds your phone just so you can be able to take photographs of your face.

   Our Grandpa died of a V!agra overdose,,, and to this day, we still regret not burying him just a few inches deeper...

   Have we considered putting Scooby Doo and the gang on the Malaysian airplane caper?

   ■If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend. ~D.Larson

   Hey Girls,,, When a guy says "I'm listening",, what he means is "I bet if Godzilla had machine guns for arms he'd be unstoppable".

   I'm always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank