Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I've killed a spider with a full bottle of windex

   I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.

   I miss the days when I was smarter than my parents.

   Why does it have to be bacon OR sausage?

   ME: Hi Mom,,, Please come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring. MOM: Honey, for the last time, you're not at a sleepover... You're married.

   Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.

   Oh, And BTW.... If you throw a porcupine at a dart board, you get all the points...

   A group of teens is called a whatever

   Yes mom,,, Of course I know the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer,,,, it's the taste.

   f I ever invented time travel, I'd probably just keep going back to that time I got 7 chicken nuggets instead of 6.

   Still waiting for a criminal on Law and Order to say,,, "Hey,, Aren't you Ice-T?"

   My favorite extreme sport is riding the passenger seat while my wife drives

   Did you know that if you decapitate a vegan,, they can continue to talk about being a vegan for up to another 6 minutes?

   I hope that Donald Trump's toupee is spared from the wrath of Hurricane Sandy... Be safe, little ferret

   OH MY LORD!! I almost sat down on the toilet without my droid...

   FUN SCIENCE FACT: When an Australian reads a really stupid post,,,, They roll their eyes counterclockwise

   On a scale of 1 to a weatherman,,, how good are you at lying?

   When you say "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans.".. All I hear is that there's a bear out that knows how to use matches

   We met on Christian Mingle,, and our baby was born 6 months later

   Ahhhh,,, At last, my wife has found something her butt does not look big in............... Walmart