Snotty Funny Status Messages

   If you have never said "Luke, I am your father" into an empty pringles can, then you probably should get on that

   My exercise program consists of having a lot of stairs in my home,, and forgetting things.

   Why did they even build a highway to the danger zone

   Too bad Norman Rockwell isn't around today to paint scenes of people looking down at their smartphones.

   Listen,,, "8 glasses a day" is a scare tactic used by Big Water to keep us dependent

   To make sure everyone cries at my funeral, I'm requesting they play nothing but Creed and Nickleback through factory car speakers.

   My mom is so bad at texting. She meant to say "I love you" and she accidentally sent "You're a huge disappointment"... lol parents can't text

   The early bird gets the worm! So does the late bird. They all get worms all the time; there's tons of those things. Relax, there will always be worms.

   [white house staff meeting] Obama: Any questions?.. *Biden raises hand* Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe... *Biden returns to coloring book*

   Tonight on TV. there's a documentary about white trash.... I only saw the trailer..

   My worst 3 subjects in school we're Math and English.

   Would I be in a porno for a million dollars? It depends. What kind of porn? Will my mom see it? Do I have to pay the million all at once?

   My kids outgoing voicemail message says,," I'm sorry I won't come to the phone right now. It's 2012. LEARN TO TEXT."

   Memo from Santa: Due to the rising cost of coal, this year people on the naughty list will be receiving Nickelback CDs.

   My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM.

   It probably won't work out between us if you won't even play dead after I stab you with my Wolverine breadstick claws at Olive Garden.

   WANTED: Guitarist for air band. Must have own instrument.

   This Just In: Researches still working to discover how over 75,000 people were miraculosly cured in Colorado last month from glaucoma and nausea..

   Girls are never wrong. Until they are. Then they cry and are, somehow, not wrong again.

   How to fall down stairs,,,, Step 1... Step 4... Steps 5,6,7,8,9...