Funny Status Messages

   Uhh Sorry Mom & Dad, but I don't think washing behind my ears was the most important place to get cleaned..

   sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.

   Caution: Was produced on machines that also process nuts

   What's hard and hairy on the outside, soft and wet in the middle, that starts with a C and ends in a T? A coconut silly.

   waiting for an orgy on monday.....when everyone will get screwed as soon as the results are declared...

   I have found that 99% of the time, the book is better than the movie. The 1% that is not, is porn.

   This one time, at band camp....I beat a kid unconscious with a trumpet for constantly quoting a movie from over 10 years ago.

   My mother sent me a private message on fb, telling me that I shouldn't post things that some people might find offensive. after much soul searching I had to do the right thing, so I unfriended her !

   You don't have to swim faster than the shark, just faster than the guy next to you.

   Liking your own status on Facebook is like giving yourself a high five in public...not a good look.

   I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

   "1 2 3 4, I declare a tongue war!" seems like it would be an awesome pick up line but it's not. Trust me.

   So Andy Murray is out of Wimbledon - he was said to look absolutely distraught. I'm so pleased he's cheered up a bit ......

   that serial killer Raoul Moat has shot and killed 3 people now, One more kill and he'll get a care package, then we're really f**ked.

   a totally down-to-earth chick because, you know...gravity.

   if you can keep your head when all around you are losing thiers...you probably haven't realised what's going on...

   I thought you were maybe kinda cute until you took a call on your Bluetooth Douche Detector.

   Tanning spray ? Reminds me of Snooki just in large size.

   I don't know what makes you dumb.. but it REALLY works..

   it possible that at Brett Favre's age he just keeps forgetting he retired?