Funny Status Messages

   I only got one valentine card, and that was from the wife. I say valentine card, it was actually a death threat. still it's the thought that counts

   Frosted Flakes are grrrreat! but Tony the Tiger prefers antelope carcass.

   I bet even Bill Gates doesn't use BING when no one is looking.

   If we eat, we die. If we don't eat, we die. I choose death by chocolate....

   The store sign said the cashier has less than $20.. So I said "hang in there buddy!" and I gave him a quarter.

   What I learned by watching Storage Wars: A box of $hit is worth seventy five bucks and a sack of $hit is only worth fifty.

   I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they're just gonna spend it on more bells.

   Don't threaten to leave people, surprise them by actually leaving.

   Due to a Recommended Daily Allowance misprint I've been consuming 12 pounds of magnesium every day since 1988.

   In case anyone was wondering.....I'm wearing Hanes by Target, and a black t-shirt by BC Cotton (with a bacon grease stain on it) #redcarpet

   I had hoped my facebook page wouldn't lead to stalkers, but some girl named Sallie Mae found my number and has been calling me for months.

   All of my selfies are just still shots from surveillance footage.

   The way my boss speaks to me it's as if he doesn't realize I'm an internet phenomenon.

   What is the appropriate gift to give your woman on your 5th year anniversary..... of the restraining order?

   Everyone thinks your crazy, until you say " I learned it Manswers "

   Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.

   Without mentioning any names, I know my phone is smarter than some people I know.

   there a mouse that doesn't make a clicking noise as I'm trying to close 10 windows when my boss walks into my office?

   What I told her is "I'm not your type." What I meant is "I'm outta your league."

   the JURY SYSTEM getting criminals off and denying people justice since 19--