Funny Status Messages

   Online jokes have really suffered in this ecomedy. (exhibit A)

   When my wife said she was leaving me yesterday because she insists I'm gay, I had to fight back tears. I'd only just applied my mascara.

   Muffins are just ugly cupcakes

   Lets get this right once and for all: There is NO such thing as a male purse.

   Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It just means that you found the right medication.

   If Friday ever came up missing... than more than likely Monday had something to do with it!

   Some people have such annoying habits, for instance-breathing...

   I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at a floor and think, 'I'd tap that.'

   If someone is in the next stall while I'm using the men's room I like to yell that my water just broke.

   Believe me, I have been trying really hard to pay attention to what you have to say, but somehow, not giving a sh*t always gets in the way.

   Ran out of toilet paper... So I looked around for a suitable replacement. Found a box of Kleenex. Should've examined the box a little closer as it had an added bonus of Vicks Vapor Rub. Now the butt is icy hot. :/

   They say "dress for the job you want", but no one seems to understand the only job I want is to be the new Hamburger Helper Helping Hand.

   There is no angry way to say 'bubbles.'

   I call my lovemaking technique the "Bond Martini" because it leaves women shaken, not stirred.

   I think the first time I realized I was dyslexic was when I went to a Toga party dressed as a goat

   Stuff happens.. but it is nothing that a bowl of Captain Crunch can't fix

   That moment of depression when you find out that you ran out of milk for your cereal.

   thinking why the hell are people confusing Green Hornet and Green Lantern... The only similarity is the word "Green"...No wonder movies like "Vampire Sucks" and "Disaster Movie", is able to achieve number 1 status. -_-

   george washington owned a dodge charger---wikipedia

   a coincidence is only a coincidence if you don't have an open mind