K-Mac Funny Status Messages

   I was driving through a parking lot and this young guy was walking along, texting. He briefly glanced at my truck passing by and was timing his walk so he would pass by right behind my truck as I drove by....he didn't see the ladder sticking out the back.

   Ever notice that after you and some friends order a pizza the only conversation you have is "where the hell is the pizza?"

   The hurricane is losing strength, damn. I was hoping for a new boat in my front yard.

   I'm going to admit myself into the Hokey-Pokey Institute and turn my life around.

   Why do we spend so much time looking for intelligent life on other planets? I'd be happy to find intelligent life here in Government first.

   How many of my friends out there update their status' on their Blackberrys?....well?....Hello....<crickets>

   I wish my neighbor's dog would take the hint that my leg just wants to be friends.

   I think we should celebrate Canada Day be giving Bieber back.

   My life may be a mess, but I know where everything is.

   Let's be sensitive this Halloween and not be rude. They are no longer "Ghosts", they are Apparition Americans.

   I'm feeling kind of heavenly today, I just turned water into Kool-Aid.

   Never look for leftover fireworks in your car with a lighter. Good news is I now have a sunroof.

   I'm pretty sure my dying wish would be to stop dying.

   Insomnia is nature's way of saying you're not done bugging people for the day.

   You cannot have a Zen garden with the little rake and sand if you also have a cat. Trust me.

   A picnic is a great way to see what all the foods you love would taste like if you added ants.

   I wonder what happened and at what point a youngster decides, "When I grow up, I'm going to be a proctologist".

   Before Facebook and online dating, I seriously don't think I've ever seen a picture of a person in their bathroom.

   As I get older my fantasy hasn't changed, I still want two women at the same time, the only difference is......one cooking and one cleaning.

   Finally, that rare and elusive Monday we like.