nunthewizr Funny Status Messages
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Why do your friends always wait until you breakup with someone to tell you that they thought they were ugly?
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Today I watched a bee land on my arm. I let it sting me while I just stared at it and said, "Is it in yet?" just to make it feel insecure.
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Advice to remember: when people say, "Word to the wise," they generally mean, "Word to the stupid."
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Today's fun: Knock on random doors and say, "Hi, my name is Current Resident, and I've been told you're the jerk who has been opening all my mail."
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The first rule of Thesaurus Club is you don't talk about, speak of, mention, discuss, or chat about Thesaurus Club.
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Fool me once, shame on me. Wait no, it’s shame on you. I think. Anyways, next time I’m gonna stab you.......... a lot.
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Things I'm confused by: how did Rub a Dub Dub, Three Men in a Tub become a nursery rhyme?
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Whenever I select "Next day delivery" for an online purchase, I imagine all these people running around yelling, "Code Red. Code Red!!" and scurrying like crazy.
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Currently pondering.....for a very curious monkey, why couldn't George ever figure out the name of the man in the yellow hat?
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I love babies wearing sunglasses. They are like little tiny, blind jazz musicians.
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I wonder if employees for pornography sites get into trouble for looking at non-related work websites during the day. We caught you misusing company time. CNN? Amazon? Bed Bath and Beyond? We're not paying you to look at that kind of crap.
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I got a letter in the mail saying I was pre-approved for a Walmart Credit Card. Not sure if I should be honored or ashamed.
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I wish giants existed because watching them walk into telephone wires would be entertaining.
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Me: Wanna put on our capes and our undies over our pants and go stand on top of a building?
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If getting into heaven is based on how many times you have tried to close the elevator door before someone else gets on, I am screwed.
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I'll never judge or insult you because of your beliefs. I'm just kidding idiot.
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Screw Olmpic soccer. If I wanted to watch somebody struggle to score for 90 mins I'd go watch old security tapes of me sitting at the bar.
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I think Facebook should have a status limit per day. This is not Twitter, shut the f*ck up, nobody cares.
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I think it's impossible to play the Wii without looking like you're competing in a relay race for the Special Olympics.
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Just finished everything that I had on my To Do list for today which was just a drawing of a set of boobs on a Post It note.
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