StonerDudee Funny Status Messages

   A woman just dropped a 20 dollar bill next to me. I thought, 'What would Jesus do?', so I turned it into wine ... Well, I bought wine.

   You took the time to make your minivan look like a reindeer but you can't take one second to hit the turn signal an inch from your fingers?

   I phoned my wife earlier. "I'm just setting off from work, do you want me to pick up fish and chips on my way home?" It was met with a stony silence. I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

   Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn't want to waste time on things that don't matter. He runs Facebook.

   Man: You look pretty today. Woman: Did I look bad yesterday? It was my hair wasn't it? You think I'm fat.

   I've been told my posts are too depressing but what does it matter. We'll all be dead soon anyway.

   This jar of peanut butter says "may contain nuts" on it. Remember when survival of the fittest was a thing? Good times.

   Texting "Good Morning, Beautiful" will change a girl's whole day. If you time it right, it will do the same for her boyfriend.

   Show me on the back of your mini van window where your life went wrong.

   I went down on my girl for the first time ever today. Afterwards I had a pint of Fosters. Well, I had to do something to get that horrible taste out of my mouth. So I went down on her again.

   Last week my best friend who was Chinese died. I went to China to attend the funeral and pay my respects. When people close to you die, it's weird how you see their face everywhere you look.

   Kids have so many food allergies these days. In 15 years you'll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.

   I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, "It's pronounced 'quiche', dear."

   Don't just tell her she is beautiful, make her believe it. Then slap her ass and tell her to keep up the good f*cking work.

   Being an adult is mostly waiting to leave places you didn't want to go to in the first place.

   My son asked what marriage is like so I answered, "It's fine" and then gave him the silent treatment for three days.

   The year is 2026. The iPhone18 is the size of a dump truck. Everything is automatically sepia toned. Air is pumpkin spice flavored.

   If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written "f*ck off forever" instead of "keep in touch" in your yearbook.

   If you hold up a Shell and listen carefully, you can hear the cashier telling you he doesn't want any trouble.

   The condoms need to be located in the fu*king baby aisle Next to the 30 dollar diapers and 20 dollar formula cans