GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   I was watching a TV show on the top ten ways to avoid a shark attack. I was shocked to hear that "stay out of the water" wasn't number one.

   Have you ever noticed that all the instruments searching for intelligent life are pointing away from earth?

   Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill. Tomorrow my goal is to turn it on.

   I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn't work.

   Due to popular demand, the Kansas City Chiefs are changing their name to the Kansas City Swifties.

   I hate it when people text me: "Call me". I'm gonna start calling people and when they answer, I'm gonna say, "Text me", and hang up.

   When I go to someone's house and they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is tell them to get out. I don't like visitors.

   You'll hit every cone on the highway before I let you merge in front of me because you saw that sign 2 miles ago like I did.

   The problem with autocorrect is that it often makes me say things I didn't Nintendo.

   I kept staring at the orange juice carton too long because it said "Concentrate"!

   Marriage tip: Every once in a while, call your wife by one of your ex girlfriend's names. This will help her realize that she is not the only woman on the docket and that you're a really good catch!

   Working 5 days a week just to be free for 48hrs just doesn't sit right with me.

   Why is there enough asphalt for speed bumps but not enough to fill potholes?

   The biggest mistake people make in a relationship is giving their heart to someone who needs a brain.

   The relationship between a husband and wife is psychological. One is psycho and the other is logical.

   Waking up is never easy but I just have to remember that the world can't revolve around me unless I get out of bed.

   I've got people who love me because I'm me. I've got people who hate me for the same reason!

   I had a call from a telemarketer and he said he couldn't understand me. I told him to press 1 for English.

   Dear paranoid people who check behind the shower curtain for murderers: What exactly is the plan if you find one?

   We should have a national quiet day where everyone just shuts up for 24 hours.