andrew jackson Funny Status Messages
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If you trip and are about to fall on the ground yell "He's got a gun!" and then you'll look like a cool hero.
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every machine is a smoke machine if you use it wrong enough
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Dating these days must be so hard, because how do you know somebody loves you if they don’t make you a mix tape?
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Think of a number. Double it. Add eight. Half it. Minus the number you started with. Close your eyes.... It's dark, isn't it?
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Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
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You think your life is bad? I’ve got that “Five dollar foot long” song stuck in my head
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Autocorrect just changed "what are your plans" to "plants". Yes autocorrect, I'm curious if they're growing roses or tulips
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The cashier at this self checkout is horrible.
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can operate a robot on another planet, but yet I'm still struggling to get this vending machine to take my wrinkled dollar.
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No, I didn't accidentally pocket dial you, I wanted you to hear me eat lunch.
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Just once I'd like the world's oldest person headline to end with "fends off bear."
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What is this, a gambling intervention? Who put you up to this? 10 to 1 it was mom!
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I bet fish have a lot of arguments about what's causing the land to lower.
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Those who tell you not to run with scissors are just trying to steal your scissors. Run.
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The Four Seasons, by Facebook: Spring: LOOK FLOWERS! Summer: LOOK AT MY DASHBOARD TEMP! Fall: LOOK LEAVES! Winter: MORE DASHBOARD PICS!
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Money not buying you happiness? Wire it into my account and I'll send you pictures of how happy it makes me. Problem solved.
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If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders.
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Just tore the tag off my mattress and there's nothing the feds can do about it. MUAHAHAHAHA!!!
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Word of the day - MACROVERBUMSCIOLIST -Someone who pretends to know a word, then secretly looks it up.
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Cool things about being a turtle: 1. Born with a free house attached to you 2. Super chill 3. Could potentially mutate into a ninja
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