Nipper Funny Status Messages

   You all take typos way too serious, you gays.

   A flying insect just flew into my kitchen and exploded. I think it was a Jihaddy long legs.

   The inventor of predictive text has died. His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

   Wife: Maybe you mock everything as a defense mechanism? Me: [mocking voice] Maybe you mock everything as a defense mechanism?

   Smoking weed can reduce stress levels by more than two thirds, according to my research.

   I took my sister to a NASCAR rase and all I got was this lousy son/nephew.

   All I want for christmas is to keep the things i've got.

   I saw a sign that said "falling rocks", so I tried and it doesn’t.

   Sorry for nicking your car with my door, but you didn't leave much room. It's small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.

   Hay girls! Not getting to swallow is like dropping your ice cream cone.

   I hate being called a heavy drinker so I'm going to start eating less and lose a few pounds.

   Just to annoy my therapist, I’ll ask him; “so how does needing therapy after seeing me make you feel?"

   Been coughing all night & day, can't seem to stop. Guess I should go see a movie.

   I hate it when I shake it too hard & a drop of pee hits me in the face. These guys probably think it's my first day as a bathroom attendant.

   Now there is a tradition on facebook of all my female friends sending me naked selfies at Midnight ok, Its not me fb insists.

   Welcome to laser noises club. Please take a pew, pew....pew!

   Shower together because everyone likes to having their back washed.Just remember where the wall is in case you drop the soap.

   I've just found my first grey pube............Don't think I'll order pizza from there again.

   Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.

   My dyslexia has reached a new owl.