Gripenfelter Funny Status Messages

   There's a contaminated water scare in my town and I haven't used my bidet in two days because I don't want E. coli in my bum.

   The difference between fetish and felony is googling ahead of time.

   When pulling out the a nal beads, never say "And the winning powerball numbers are..."

   Congrats USA. Always one step behind Canada and one step closer to being Canada...now give up your guns...it's your destiny. [/Palpatine]

   Hand sanitizer?? No thanks, I let my kids eat dirt when they were little so now they have no allergies.

   Amazon's Prime Day: An experiment in quantifying disappointment. #primeday

   I hold my wife's hand in the mall. Not because it's romantic but more because it's economical. It keeps her from shopping.

   I judge the quality of my Facebook posts by how often my name comes up in therapy with your shrink.

   I need a high quality Storm Trooper outfit. Not for Halloween. Just to wear around the house, go shopping in, and wear in the bedroom. Also need to get the wife an R2D2 costume for the same purpose...ok mostly for the bedroom.

   When you text me and ask me what I'm doing and I tell you "nothing", that isn't an open invitation for you to suggest things for me to do. I already have plans. I'm doing NOTHING!!

   It's almost impossible to find a good cream pie recipe on the internet that doesn't involve getting naked first.

   Submarines are safer than airplanes because there are more airplanes in the sea than submarines in the sky.

   Donald Trump....make America orange again.

   My daughter's only 6 months old and already drawing. I'd hang it on the fridge but honestly, it's absolute garbage.

   Saying, "Finger Lickin' Good" out loud -- even at KFC -- makes everyone pretty uncomfortable.

   This whole Gorilla thing makes me wonder what kind of thoughtless ignorant parent tries to raise a child in Ohio?

   Whenever my wife falls asleep in public I start slapping her and yelling "DON'T YOU DIE ON ME!!" Then people cheer and applaud when she wakes up.

   You can catch a lot of flies with honey but you can catch a lot of honey's if you're fly.

   So last night I'm sitting on the toilet straining and pushing as hard as I can when I hear a "pop" and the lights go out. My wife says to me "Are you ok? I think the power went out..." I respond with "Thank God for that, I thought my eyes had exploded.

   I'll be dressed up tonight as a dad who sends his kids house to house to beg for handouts while eating their candy in the street like a hobo zombie.