Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages
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I really think that Caller ID needs to be more detailed. It should say things like "Wants help moving" or "Will whine about bad relationship."
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I hear Internet Explorer 10 is going to allow you to download and install Firefox up to three times faster.
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I think Jerry Springer should moderate the next debate.
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My neighbor put up his Christmas lights today. I bet he's pissed that I beat him to it. I put mine up three years ago.
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According to astronomy, whenever you wish upon a star, you're actually a few million years late. The star is dead. Just like your dreams.
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You're on Facebook on a Saturday night talking about how hard you're partying. But there's a problem... You're on Facebook on a Saturday night talking about how hard you're partying. You're not fooling anyone.
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I'm excited for Christmas. What other time of the year can you sit around a dead tree and eat candy out of socks?
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There are only two types of honest people in this world, small children and drunk people.
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The hardest things about beginning any new relationship has got to be learning how to fart quietly again.
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I dont believe in beating my kids, so I make them wear a Justin Bieber shirt & crocs to school so the other kids will do it for me.
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To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.
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Billion Dollar Idea: A condom that changes color when it comes in contact with an STD.
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A guy with a gun enters a bar. "Who the f*ck had sex with my wife?" he snarled. A voice was heard in the background, "You don't have enough bullets!"
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My girlfriend wanted me to come shopping, but I had a headache... I must have caught it from her last night when we didn't have sex.
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There are so many scams on the Internet now... Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.
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When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.
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Why isn't there a reality show called "Security Cams of Walmart?"
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Today is one of those days where I wish I could restore myself to the factory settings.
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That'll teach the bltch to keep the house in the divorce... Before I left, I set 3 white rats free in the house with 1, 2, & 4 written on their backs.
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The American dream is no longer owning your own home. Its moving out of moms.
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