Gripenfelter Funny Status Messages
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Women are like snowflakes. They can't drive.
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There's a new idea being presented that pedophilia is some sort of sexual orientation. If that's the case, let me be the first to volunteer to beat you straight. #SaveOurChildren
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My prediction for October 2020: The Bermuda triangle starts roaming around the Earth like a giant Roomba.
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When pulling out the a nal beads, never say "And the winning powerball numbers are..."
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I wonder if Prius owners put playing cards between the spokes of their wheels so they will sound like real cars.
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My new pet peeve...commercials where people brush their teeth without making a mess. When my kids brush their teeth they look like they have minty fresh rabies.
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I don’t know why my wife is so loud during sex it’s not like anyone is going to come rescue her
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Learned two lessons today. 1) Kitchen sex can be wild and exciting. 2) The staff at The Olive Garden are very narrow minded.
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So let me get this straight...The Hulk smashes cars and breaks things and people call him "incredible". I do it and people call me an "alcoholic" because I'm not green.
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I know this is short notice, but does anyone have a bear costume I can borrow to scare the people camped outside Best Buy for Black Friday?
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Submarines are safer than airplanes because there are more airplanes in the sea than submarines in the sky.
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Headed over to this "Toys for Tots" thing today...so how many tots do I have to trade in for a PS4 or an Xbox One?
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I hold my wife's hand in the mall. Not because it's romantic but more because it's economical. It keeps her from shopping.
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So last night I'm sitting on the toilet straining and pushing as hard as I can when I hear a "pop" and the lights go out. My wife says to me "Are you ok? I think the power went out..." I respond with "Thank God for that, I thought my eyes had exploded.
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Elf on a Shelf? WTF? Back in my day, if a doll came to life, it murdered your whole family and everyone you loved. Kids are too coddled these days.
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Canadian Immigration site just crashed...no seriously, it crashed last night around 10:30 pm due to high traffic...let that sink in for a bit.
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Canadian Thanksgiving tip #43: The meal isn't over until you hate yourself.
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When you text me and ask me what I'm doing and I tell you "nothing", that isn't an open invitation for you to suggest things for me to do. I already have plans. I'm doing NOTHING!!
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My wife is a wild animal in bed. And by that I mean she's more afraid of me than I am of her.
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There are many benefits of being fat. Take Buddha for instance. He was too heavy to be put on a cross so they told him to just sit there quietly.
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