GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   I sent a ninja to your house to steal your cookies!

   What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron woman? One's a super hero and the other is a simple command.

   It wasn't the Grinch that stole Christmas. It was the power bill, the gas bill, the water bill, the phone bill, rent, insurance, car payment, not to mention grocery prices.

   The holiday season is here. Remember to set your scales back 10lbs at midnight.

   Santa, you break into people's houses and eat their cookies; don't judge me.

   Due to the extreme coal shortage, Santa will be giving out Justin Bieber cds to all the bad kids this year.

   No matter how old you may be, an empty wrapping paper tube is still a fun thing to use to bonk someone over the head with.

   Marriage is very simple. The husband is king of the house and the wife obeys his every command.

   If Merry Christmas offends you, then Merry Christmas.

   Procrastination really is a good thing. You always have something to do tomorrow, plus you have nothing to do today.

   I need to stop talking to myself. I'm a bad influence.

   Marriage tip: If your wife wants to play video games with you, just remind her that the dishwasher makes awesome arcade sounds.

   Every year, my Christmas list begins with "Dear Santa, my sisters did it. But I have been very good this year, because I'm an angel!

   I just saw a mosquito with a coat on. They're not giving up!

   A blonde finds out she's going to have twins and starts crying. "What's wrong," the doctor asked, "Do you not want twins?" The blonde replied, "No, I don't know who the second dad is!"

   If you call me from a private number, I'll respect your privacy and not answer.

   How many divorced men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, because they don't get the house anyway.

   The world is getting too sensitive. Soon I won't be able to make fun of myself without people getting offended.

   BLOND: How much does that microwave cost? MANAGER: Sorry, we don't sell to blondes. BLOND: How did you know I was a natural blond? MANAGER: Because that's a TV.

   I am the reason why Santa has a naughty list.