Funny Status Messages
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BREAKING: FEMA and National Weather Service to plug the eye of Hurricane Sandy by dropping Chris Christie into it to save New Jersey. 
If you keep God inside your heart, there's nothing that will come into your life that you won't be able to handle. God is enough!
Barack Obama's tweets are too official. Just once I'd like to see something like: "Just took a Biden-sized dump".
watching 'Earth Hour' simultaneously Online and on Television... It's kinda Dark... :/
feeling like it might be a randy travis kind of weekend...
CNN = Counterfeit News Network
- There was a woman outside WalMart with a box of kittens. She asked me if I wanted one. I of course told her that I had kitten for breakfast. She called me a big jerk. I told her they taste a lot like puppies. Thats when she really got mad....
Girl you should sell hot dogs, because you know how to make a wiener stand.
Gay and ugly, its not a good combination. And you want to compete with women for men?
So apparently everyone is calling One Direction "The new Beatles." Great, now I can't wait to see who gets shot first.
Canadian bar fights are just two men insisting on paying each other's tabs.
I may not have grown old gracefully, but having a woman who still loves me has helped me to grow old gratefully.
With another unfortunate mass shooting incident, this will respark another debate about how rampant gun violence is... WAIT!! HULK HOGAN SAID THE N-WORD?!!!! Stop the presses!!!
Coming to Facebook for religion is like visiting a strip club to find a woman to marry. Wrong place.
why don't people do a "taser challenge" next & see what its like for epileptic people to suddenly have your arms & legs moving around uncontrollably?
WARNING. Content on my Facebook page may offend. But I don't fcuking care
Doctor: You have bronchitis Me: OMG I've always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
On a scale of Gary Busey to Charlie Sheen, I'm David Hasselhoff drunk right now.
I’m pretty sure that if I shot the sheriff, I would also shoot the deputy, because why the heck not at that point?
Trump is already working wonders, all these people marching = Exercise and aiding weight loss. = Positive 