Funny Status Messages

   Went to my niece's elementary school field day this week... I won every single event... Every... Single... Event.

   The IBS drug commercial that mentions "urgent diarrhea" implies there's also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I've never had?.... IDK

   ♫♪ " ...It's beginning to look a lot like ̶̶C̶̶H̶̶R̶̶I̶̶S̶̶T̶̶M̶̶A̶̶S̶̶ El Niño, everywhere I go..." ♫♪

   *Hospital front desk... "Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-"... *wife hits me.. "Baby delivery,, I mean she's here to deliver a baby"

   No Miley, Santa doesn’t have a "twerkshop"

   Why is that people who always demand respect have done the least to earn it?

   The friend-zone is the only place that has more deflated balls than a patriots game.

   Single Awareness Day ..... it's a S.A.D. day

   If by "artist" you mean "good at drawing conclusions" then yes, I'm effing Picaso.

   My son asked me what marriage is like, so I ignroed him and walked away.

   My girlfriends dad asked me what I do. Apparently, "your daughter" wasn't the right answer.

   some of you people are taking the term Fat Tuesday way too seriously

   Don't speak unless you can improve the silence.

   One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, "Who ate my kale?"

   Married people die longer.

   I confuse metaphors like its my business

   My girlfriend would be so mad if he found out that I'm telling people she's my girlfriend.

   Vodka works better than Mistletoe at Christmas Parties. That's because with Vodka someone is getting kissed whether they want it or not.

   Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day... Give a man a poisonous fish and you'll feed him for the rest of his life

   I wish minimum wage went up as much as the price of postage stamps...