Funny Status Messages

   HURRY WHILE IT LAST LIMITED TIME OFFER!!! I HAVE 2 NON- HANDICAPPED FRONT ROW PARKING SPOTS AT WALMART $50

   Sometimes I get mad at my hand just for the make up sex.

   10 years ago, Janet Jackson's single nipple. Now I just saw all of the Red Hot Chili Pepper's nipples. Look how far we've come!

   Bill Cosby is rebranding as a rapper called Quaaludacris.

   My favorite part of Summer is the booze. Coincidentally, that's my favorite part of the other 3 seasons, too.

   What happens when you solve a Rubik's cube? Does it explode into Skittles or am I wasting my time?

   Men look at b00bs for the same reason women look at puppies in cages. We just want to set them free and play with them.

   Never give up on your dreams, keep sleeping.

   So...I'm only going to assume that's it probably not a good time to yell "if it's brown it's down" in public.

   Man: You look pretty today. Woman: Did I look bad yesterday? It was my hair wasn't it? You think I'm fat.

   Have your demons call my demons

   You don't know me...you just know what someone said about me!

   Because I'm a gentleman, I'll carry you to the kitchen afterwards so you can make me a sandwich.

   No thanks feelings, I'll just take the sex.

   We're weird creatures; we don't tolerate liars and won't tolerate truth either.

   When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then sell it and use the profits to by a gun. See if life makes the same mistake twice.

   -- Note to self: 'Cancel cruise to Indian Ocean. No chance of rescue if boat capsizes.'

   Donald Sterling likes his coffee the same way as his women. Luke warm and half white.

   Well, I guess II'll wait a bit before I go out. A wasp has flown into my truck. He's has since claimed the truck and is prepared to fight for it. He is a one-wasped army and I'm pretty sure he's in some sort of attack formation.

   So, Dexter is really The Brawny Man?!? Gee thanks, Showtime....