Funny Status Messages
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The worst thing about parallel parking are witnesses. 
If a clown farts, does it smell funny?
While working at the Samaritans I got a call from a fella who said he was going to end it all. He was going to pour a gallon of gas over himself and light a match. I told him "Ahmed its times like these you need your family round you".
Just took a photo of myself naked. A hundred 'likes' within the next hour, or I'll post it.
If I hear one more foreigner accusing us of having a "culture of violence" I'm gonna blow their brains out.
Why is everyone making a big deal out of the lance armstrong thing. It's not like he cheated at a sport or something jeez...
Does P.Diddy get upset every time he goes to Wendy's and orders the Biggie fries?
I have a button on my microwave that says stop time. I assume its for the timer but I don't touch it just in case.
If you invite me for dinner and serve ground turkey tacos,, you may as well turn on some Nickleback and wizz in my Fresca too........
gonna change my facebook status, but I got high...
drinking tequila in the shower....09:07 AM
doesn't believe in superstition. It brings bad luck.
celebrating black history month by wearing a white cotton t-shirt
In honor of new Pope, boys underwear half off at Walmart....
Was on the bus today and a group of black youths were saying F in' this, F in' dat, F in the other. Not exactly swearing, they were just talking about their exam results.
Like for impeachment
Mitt Romney's campaign slogan, 'Keep America American,' the same as a phrase used by the KKK? Interesting...
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
My wife's filthy habbits disgust me, just yesterday I went to piss in the sink and it was still full of dirty dishes.
I now know why women close their eyes during sex. They cant stand to see a man enjoy himself. 