Funny Status Messages

   COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears

   People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges

   Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I'm not exactly sure how to pick you up

   ME: [holding door for wife] WIFE: Why can't we just buy an umbrella?

   [Alien vs Predator] Alien: I can eat your face off Predator: I'm not allowed within 100 feet of a school

   You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It's awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.

   Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats--taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.

   I think Cinderella purposely left her shoe at the castle just like Side Chicks always seem to be leaving their panties.

   I've slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom

   Christmas is less than two weeks away. I do most of my shopping online. But I hire someone to honk and scream obscenities at me while I'm doing it so I get the whole holiday shopping experience.

   I'd like to send a sympathetic Christmastime shout out to young kids these days who see a really cool toy on TV, but will never get it because their parents must be 18 or old6er to call.

   Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can't say you didn't see them.

   Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven't had a picnic in there for like 3 months.

   Putting all my laundry out on the clothesline so it smells like my neighbour's BBQ.

   When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses. That’s me in a nutshell.

   My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.

   I don’t like to think before I speak. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else at what comes out of my mouth

   Jimmy Buffett has a cruise and he doesn’t even go on it. That’s like going to see Hootie & the Blowfish and just getting Blowfish.

   My supervisor said I'm worth my weight in gold so I'm eating these donuts to increase my value.

   If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin