Funny Status Messages

   I ran out of sterile gloves, so I’m just wearing boxing gloves when I go out.

   Dear Maytag: Why don't your dryers come with a Fold cycle? It's 2020 for Chrissake.

   I only watch p.orn on 13 inch tv's. I feel better about myself.

   There's a reason Jesus didn't turn water into whiskey

   Not everybody has to like me, I cant force you to have a good taste!

   I'm going to give up paying for UFC and boxing, I can just tune in for free and watch the riots every weekend.

   Why are you just now "Feeling Determined"?

   Another good feeling. Waking up and realizing that it's sunday and not monday morning. AAAAAH......zzzzzzz.

   Whoever claims they invented goat yoga stole the idea from Wyoming sheep ranchers. Okay, maybe they didn't use yoga mats but they beat you to the punch boys.

   "No question is so difficult to answer as that to which the answer is obvious." -George Bernard Shaw

   Original jokes are like girlfriends. I don't have one.

   Anyone else wanna go out for next Halloween as "Narcissistic Introverts with Alcohol and Drug Dependencies coupled with Porn Addictions" ........... or is it just going to be Me again ?

   Anyone find an hour can you please return it thanks. . .

   Sure, "my day" will eventually come. And I fully anticipate it will be heralded by an unexpected explosion of the Sun.

   Oh yes - please give me more unprompted stories about your kids. I'll just keep imagining injecting my brain with an overdose of Novacaine.

   Made it to that level of drunk where you knock over a display in a convenience store.

   The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we'd never know. We'd never know.

   With this election it is easier to scream at the enemy than it is to own your embarrassment

   Wednesday I will have 50% less friends on Facebook.. let's see who makes the cut

   I'll never delete another email again. Just Twitter.