Funny Status Messages
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I wonder if lining up beers in my refrigerator will ever stop being exciting. 
Just once can we make someone regret inviting 10,000 people to their Facebook event.
"This is the one I use for wiping" - Handshakes
I'm willing to bet very few women would appreciate the humor of giving birth on Labor Day, ya know, at the time.
My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food in front of you. So I took her to Subway... and that's when the fight started...
Watching the VMA Awards: if Keith Richards saw what music has become, he’d be spinning in his grave.
I don't want to brag or make anyone jealous but I'm proud to say that I still we are the same size shoes I did in High School!
: Girls that try to flirt with guys on Twitter are pathetic. Guys, if you agree, message me your number so we can talk about it.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Me: I miss the good old days Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope? M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit W: I despise you
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it's even weirder than you imagine.
Plot twist: two birds kill YOU with one stone.
"Here, let me suck as much life from you as possible." -jobs
Until you lean in to hear a seven-year-old's whisper, you don't realize that front teeth act as a retaining wall for spit.
Maybe the Mayan world-ending prediction in 2012 was more of a suggestion
The fancier the design on the back pocket of the jeans, the less fancy the person.
A taser but for people who say "it is what it is".
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y'all know who's splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous 