Funny Status Messages
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I try not to think about things I can't control like war and poverty and my personal life. 
If I ever become a ghost I'd wear something with pizazz, like a snazzy bow tie or something.
You know, it's just like some clowns to give Ronald McDonald a bad rap running around all creepy like. . .
Did you know that some tickle fights result in someone peeing their pants and someone's corpse being dumped in a ditch.
In an attempt to appear younger, I've begun referring to my kids as my siblings.
Hangovers: because you had so much fun, you deserve to think about it all day.
The problem with my new job is that I like all my coworkers which gives me a lot less tweet material than my last few jobs.
Let's disagree to agree. That's my motto.
For Halloween, I'll be dressed as a slutty nap.
Stopped at a red light next to a cop car, I always roll down my window and say "I don't have any guns or heroin if that's what you were thinking."
The person who invented winking was definitely a little sketchy.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
OK. So Donald Duck never wore pants, but when he steps out of the shower he puts a towel around his waist. What's up with that?
If you want to go where everybody knows your name, and they're always glad you came, then your probably a alcoholic.
Just cleaned up my friends list, so if you can see this post it means you've made the cut because your special!....or my worst enemy I just want to keep an eye on.
I like robo calls. I get to make up new cuss words.
Dec.05 Repeal of prohbition day..... I'll drink to that.
When it comes for the New Year's count down, raise your left leg. That way you'll start the New Year out on the right foot.
t takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
If some of you people are giving up booze for January, but still want those lovely pubs to be there when you get back, some of us real heroes are just going to have to buckle down and do your drinking for you. Don’t thank me. It’s what I do. 