JOser Funny Status Messages

   As a taxpayer, I demand police escorts for emergency situations... Such as trying to get Ice cream to work from Braum's before its melts...

   If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

   Dude you should've seen this bathroom stall, it was like I had to clean up Heroshima before I could drop my Nagasaki.

   How do I set a laser printer to stun?

   me and procrastinating have this love hate relationship going on.... but I'll do it later...

   You can't talk to me that way. Seriously, turn towards me so I can hear what you're saying.

   If you think about it, "This was the greatest day of my life" is a very pessimistic statement.

   Lifted the toilet lid to find poop in the bowl, either someone forgot to flush or this toilet is from 5 seconds in the future.

   Can you imagine how painful walking would be if we all had foot balls?

   He who laughs last should do so from a safe distance.

   The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music...

   F*ck the real world,let's all just be pirates!

   I wonder how many bongs I can collect before my mother figures out they're not vases?

   I'm a homophobophobe. Seriously, those bigots scare the heck out of me.

   I am embarrassed for my co-workers. I am the only person in the building who remembered to wear a toga today.

   Coffee, the finest organic suspension ever devised.

   Monday has been calling me and just breathing heavily into the phone until I hang up...

   I'm not sure why, but to me Cheerios sound like the happiest of all circular shaped cereals.

   Suffering from male pattern drunkenness.

   I decide which beer to drink on a case by case basis.