Funny Status Messages

   I just learned that a "tear jerker" is not giving a hand job while crying.

   Humble Pie is my least favourite kind of Pie.

   Lampposts and hydrants are basically Facebook for dogs.

   I need to meet new people to ignore.

   writing fictional textmessages so I won't look like i'm lonely..

   Finds it funny that people really take some of these prescription pills that two of the side effects are swelling of the tongue and death...

   Who needs a brain when you fall deeply in love?

   The after Easter prices of Cadbury Eggs and Peeps are one of life's simple but not quite free pleasures.

   Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark? Me: party?

   Her: What sign are you most compatible with? Me: Krispy Kreme's hot and ready sign.

   With my luck, I'll be reincarnated as me again...

   She is like a low profile tire, sexy, but gonna cost you a bunch of money.

   Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign? Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?

   Whoever said "Never leave that till tomorrow which you can do today" knew how to log out of facebook.

   Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet

   Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream

   I feel safer knowing the Democrats are trying to make a watch list for people on watch lists..

   Your "Restroom For Customer Only" sign means nothing without a lock.

   Don't think I should wear my heart on my sleeve anymore....because that's usually where I sneeze and wipe my nose.

   I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.