Funny Status Messages
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I hate when I have to fake my own death to get out of a family function. 
Just saying if the NFL has any balls at all, Corey Feldman will be the Super Bowl halftime show.
One fun thing about parenthood is being woken up at 5:30 AM on Saturday to discuss Halloween costumes with a 4 year old.
Gary Johnson probably thought Kim Jong Un was the name of a new strain of weed.
I will start to worry when there are mime sightings in my neighborhood.
Yes, the rumor is true. I did poop my pants while running home from the neighbor's house when I was 5.
Siri, how much would I weigh if I had one of those machines from Star Trek that made food appear out of thin air?
hate songs that ask you questions like seriously I have no idea what I'm gonna do after the boys of summer are gone.
Call your doctor if your election lasts longer....I meant erection, but omg I can't wait for this election to be over!!!
Broke me would like to thank the rich me that had the foresight to stock enough beer that I am now drinking.
Hangman is a great tool to teach children that if you can't spell a word, someone could lose their life because of their ignorance
Some folks exercise their right to vote. I vote my right to not exercise.
How the heck did America get to the point where Congress can actually issue a Subpoena for Records and then when they get them turn around and destroy those records?
Glad the election is ending so people will stop hating me based on my political views and just go back to hating me based on my personality.
Canadas imagration website has crashed. No joke.
Canadian Immigration site just crashed...no seriously, it crashed last night around 10:30 pm due to high traffic...let that sink in for a bit.
*at starbucks.. ME: Can I take some wifi home with me?... BARISTA: Um,,, sure?.... ME: (holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid) ... Thanks.
I'm looking for funding to publish my last two status updates...
Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair?
An #Asian in charge of #Transportation? Plus also being #female? I plead the 5th on the grounds of making people mad with the joke I have. 