Funny Status Messages

   Instagram...now everyone thinks they're a professional photographer.

   Honey, why don't you take a break, you're working too hard." = "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.

   Everybody is somebody's weirdo.

   Drunk Girls: Can you take a picture of us? Me: Sure! Drunk Girls: You just took a picture of the floor. Me: It's better this way.

   Now, I'm not making any accusations, here. All I'm saying is it's a little suspicious when a farmer decides to call his pig "Babe"...

   Dear paranoid ppl who check behind their shower curtains for murderers, if you do find one, what's your plan?

   I did NOT pee my pants! I was marking my territory. These pants are MINE!

   Since the UPS guy won't knock on my door like he should, I'm going to put a motion activated taser by the door. When I hear the THUD, I'll go get my package.

   Dad: A bird told me you are doing drugs... Boy: You're talking with birds and I'm the one doing drugs?!

   Cleveland Browns sold for one billions dollars. Wow, the value of the dollar has hit an all time low...

   gonna take the Christmas lights down...

   I'm on that new diet where you eat everything and hope for a miracle.!!!

   My alcoholic friends are upset with me. I kept "sober" texting them at 3 in the afternoon

   Bi?ch I didn't text you to exercise my fingers, I want a damn reply

   Scrolling through my newsfeed today has taught me 44,578 new ways to say "I don't give a f*ck."

   A woman is never more persuasive than when she's holding a shotgun or a bacon sandwich.

   I just told a girl I loved her. Well, I didn't actually say it. And it wasn't actually a girl. Ok, fine, I was eating a Big Mac and moaned.

   If you have to ask someone “Didn't you get my text?” that person hates you.

   My Girlfriend is a terrible cook..... In our house we pray after we eat.

   Some men look for easy women. Some women look for easy money. I'd just like to find someone who won't stab me in my sleep.