Funny Status Messages

   "Don't take this the wrong way..." *doctor hands me a suppository

   I drove by a house today that had about 15 of those inflatable Christmas lawn decorations. In the daytime it looks like there was a drive by shooting in the North Pole and there were no survivors

   It’s funny how people get mad when you treat them the same way they treat you.

   "Psssssssssssssss" ~ The sound of Richard Sherman's ego being deflated by Tom Brady

   Omg!!! She said YES!!!! Best Valentine's Day ever!!! Can't believe it!!! She agreed to just order pizza & watch TV on 14th February!!!

   Dear Leonard Nimoy. As much as I hate to see you go, thanks for upstaging that stupid "Dress Color Controversy" thing on Facebook. It's black and blue, by the way.

   Well, it's that time of the year again when the $150 a week I invest in child maintenance finally pays off by providing me with a pair of socks.

   If you love something, let it go.... Except a dog. Or, a balloon. Or, a baby stroller. Actually, don't let anything go, that's stupid.

   My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.

   The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

   Ribbed condoms taste nothing like ribs

   I just checked my account balance at an ATM and it printed me a coupon for ramen noodles.

   Selfie sticks are this generation's fanny packs...

   Since Kanye wants to write a song named 'I Am God' I wanna see him bring his dead mother back to life again.

   eating mushrooms and chasing white rabbits.

   Breaking News... President Obama travels to India to visit former American jobs...

   HATES IT when he's walking along minding his own business and then trips over his penis

   remembers the days when 'Black Friday' was referred to as 'Colored Friday'

   Not all the men are in the relationships for sex. Some just want a good sandwich and a blow job…

   Today on Maury! Joseph was engaged to Mary-then learned she's pregnant! You won't BELIEVE who she says the Baby Daddy is!