StonerDudee Funny Status Messages

   What do you call a hooker with a runny nose? Full.

   People b**ching in the express line about the lady writing a check will be p!ssed when I try to barter a sheep for this 6-pack of Bud Lite.

   First woman on the Moon: "Houston, we have a problem." What? "Never mind" What's the problem? "Nothing" Please tell us? "You know what the problem is."

   More people would drink responsibly if there was a brand of vodka named Responsibly.

   Do the Chinese realize that when they're visiting America, they buy souvenirs made in their own country?

   My girlfriend asked me "Team Edward? Or Team Jacob?" I yelled "Team Deathmatch!" And knifed her...

   After mating, a female Praying Mantis kills & eats the male. Guess she knows it's easier to claim life insurance rather than child support.

   At a job interview. "What would you say was your greatest weakness?" "Honesty." "I don't think honesty is a weakness." "I don't give a crap what you think."

   Apparently every time I smoke a cigarette in the house my three-year-old son also smokes one. The crafty little kid.

   My woman could never work at a fast food place. They make milkshakes there, and milkshakes bring the boys to the yard.

   Texting 101: (Oh) = stop talking to me. (K) = I'm done talking. (Whatever) = f**k you. (Fine) = f**k it. (I guess) = I don't give AF.

   I asked for a glass of cold water from my drunk af friend I found him with a cup in the microwave. I told him "I said cold water whys it in the microwave?" He replied "we didn't have any cold water, so I'm melting ice for you" l

   Why is weed illegal and alcohol isn't? Weed is completely harmless man! Smh

   My boss; Are you Tweeting? Me; No, I'm Tworking Boss; What? Me; Hello Tweeting while working Boss; That's not a real word Me; Twhatever

   Pick any number. Multiply it by two. Now add 12 to it. Divide it by 3. Now change it to 10. That's how many seconds you just wasted.

   on't name your bong after a woman, because we all know it's wrong to hit women.

   My boss said "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have." Now I'm sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.

   My cat just graduated from the University of Phoenix.

   Think of a number between 1 and 10. Add your area code. Subtract your age. Add some common sense. What are you even doing with your life?

   She said she wanted to get a facial, but then she got mad when I came on her face!