Snotty Funny Status Messages

   There's no way that scientists can prove to me that pterodactyls didn't pronounce the p

   My sense of humor has been described as,,, "please stop" and "you're ruining dinner"

   Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.

   Accidentally hit the panic/alarm button on the car key and promptly panicked.......... So, it works.

   If you don't scream "AHH,, IT BURNS!!" when peeing in public,,, then you're no fun.

   XBox Kinect Sports is so life-like... I just got picked last!

   When my dog has HIS friends over,,, I'm going to fart and quietly leave the room,,, Just so he knows how it feels

   I want to be the guy in the studio audience of "Wheel of Fortune" who stands up and shouts, "D! SHE WANTS THE D!" then calmly walks out.

   Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won't need to know cursive,but you will need the ability to type with thumbs... The future is weird.

   someone stole my mood ring....and I'm just not sure how I feel about that

   I put my pants on just like every other man... With my woman telling me I'm doing it all wrong.

   Somewhere along the way, I stopped trying to gain friends,, and just started enjoying reading and writing posts..

   Just walked a mile in my own shoes............ not as good as I thought I'd be

   * Me with the Dr. they assigned me in my new HMO... Doctor: Ted, you're dying...... ME: My name's not Ted.... Doctor (checking clipboard): Linda, you're pregnant.

   FYI: Apple's app store had an app called "I Am Rich." It cost $999.99, did absolutely nothing, and 8 people bought it.

   People who think they can run away from their problems have obviously never farted on a treadmill.

   Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman's mom felt reading him a bedtime story?

   In these trying times, I want to find good in this world so here goes,,,,, I am extremely grateful that Cap'n Crunch leaves far more gently than it enters.

   My dad's decided to NOT move to Canada,,, He says he's "Angry",,, but not, "Learn the Metric System" angry..

   LITTLE KNOWN FACT: After the umbilical cord has been cut,, a nurse spanks the baby for being uninsured.