JOser Funny Status Messages

   I get speechless whenever I see a heavy woman in spandex, usually because my tongue gets tied trying to say "Flubber hugging lady leggings".

   Lingerie is just expensive wrapping paper.

   Probably the most awkward thing for Chinese parents is not explaining where babies come from, but rather, where they go.

   I'm getting a massage tonight, so I drew a treasure map on my stomach. It's pretty self explanatory.

   you shouldn't listen to other people's foolishness. You should listen to mine.

   Why is it that when you get your girlfriend pregnant, everyone rubs her belly saying "congratulations"... but nobody rubs your d*ck and says "good job?"

   Drink more beer, give a fat girl a chance...

   "Iceland's Eyjafjallajokull Volcano" Earth's way of Celebrating 4/20

   has been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog...

   To whoever said "fight fire with fire": do you actually test your own advice before giving it?

   I suspect my Girl might be OCD because she performs a few bizarre rituals. For example, she just made our bed. Who does that?

   I like to hit snooze a couple of times before I wake up, but my girlfriend likes to hit me a couple of times until I wake up.

   Please note that The Netherlands, Never-Neverland, and The Netherworld are three different places.

   a bartender is just an under-qualified pharmacist.

   I enjoy watching uptight people try to act laid back.

   Seis De Mayo, Spanish for, Hungover...

   If it weren't for my feet I don't know how I'd ever shut the car door.

   how many hijackings with nail clippers and shampoo have there been? None, that's how many!

   It's obvious that Ed Hardy is g@y. No straight man would decide he would rather design clothing than solve mysteries with his brothers...

   Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.