Funny Status Messages

   A person who really appreciates you will always walk with you

   You Know, I'll never be an Olympic athlete but I did participate in a Toyotathon once...

   You think you're pretty smart until you have to figure out how to turn on someone elses shower

   Listen I'm not an alcoholic, they go to meetings...I'm a drunk we go to parties!

   I almost forgot to update my status that I'd been to the gym. What a waste of a workout that would have been!

   Him to friends: I banged her like a porn star, she probably won't walk for a week. Her: I'm not even sure he was in me the entire time

   I just pictured my life.....and there isn't room for you in the frame.

   I spent an hour explaining how WiFi works to my dad and my dog... The dog gets it.

   Sometimes I wish every guy gets a girlfriend like mine...why the hell should only I suffer.

   I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn!

   I want to make a puzzle that says "Get a job" after its completed.

   I love myself because I don't have enough money to make other people do it.

   I put a moron filter to screen my Facebook news feed... Now I only see 5 statuses a day... :(

   My worst ideas have all either started or ended with having no pants on.

   Unfriended me? Wow, you sure showed m

   It's Monday, and a strong possibility I may hurt someone!

   Well,, It's like this,,,,, My car makes this funny noise whenever I run over a clown...

   I didn't text you, vodka did.

   I just watched a video of a guy getting his nuts cut off. I can't believe I did that. Why do I even still have my wedding video, anyway?

   Bruno Mars looks like a nice lesbian. I think he and Justin Bieber would make a cute interr@cial couple.