Funny Status Messages
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When I see professional clowns, mimes, or people who make balloon animals, I think of their relatives and how disappointed they must be. 
last Valentine's Day I was f**king stupid, but this year she's f**king somebody else!
News flash to all men: contrary to popular belief, driving a cool sports car or a LARGE PICK UP TRUCK does not make your penis any bigger.
I went to my acupuncturist today. He told me to take two thumbtacks and call him in the morning.
I don't wanna be loved I just wanna quickie No bite marks, no scratches, and no hickeys !
Dear Lord, please give me the strength to forgive those who put LOL in their status updates
NBA players support China despite violating the human rights of its citizens but protests when a thug gets what he deserves...
Trump suggests that someone should shoot Hillary? There he goes trying to make America great again.
"Let's have a march to show our hate and give speeches about love!" Women
"Hi I'm Kayne West! I survive on your attention. Give me your attention. Hey where you going...I need you attention..."
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural when there are two boobs but only one butt?
If your boyfriend isn't strong enough to pick you up and pin you up against the wall, you have a girlfriend
do we have any world leaders or are they to busy playing golf ,pool and drinking beer ?
we need to go back to the belt, sorry I mean the basics when raising these kids.
I would rather massage my urethra with a cactus than hear that Pharrell song about being Happy
Being a reasonable man,, I pointed to the door, suggesting the spider leave immediately and peacefully
There are two kinds of people in the world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
When you hear people speak in another language: 6% I wish I could speak that. 94% Those b**ches better not be talking about me...
OR you could go for the gay approach...."One man's junk is another man's treasure"
The old lady in line at CVS had a stray thread on her sweater. I pulled it and her entire central nervous system unraveled. 