Funny Status Messages

   I'd imagine Ryan Lochte's next move will be the backstroke.

   my boss told me today if their was an award for laziness I would win it,i told him "if I do win it I'm gonna need you to go accept it on my behalf.

   We don't know if Mary ever made Jesus turn her water into wine because there wasn't social media back then for Moms to talk about wine on.

   I'm playing fast and loose with milk expiration dates. This day could go anywhere.

   Cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, Little boy blue and the man in the moon, When you coming home, Son?!?! When you stop talking crazy, Dad.

   Donald Trump says he didn't discuss Mexico paying for the wall with President Nieto because he thought he was the janitor.

   Gameshow Fact: Every time a girl buys "a D",,, Pat hip-thrusts off camera.

   Props to all the women who don't have to dress like a slut to get attention from men, stay classy... The rest of you come with me...

   Despite always being pictured as old men most "Founding Fathers" were actually young men during their historic roles in 1776. Alexander Hamilton was 21, Madison was 25, James Monroe was 18, and Thomas Jefferson was 33!!!

   Hey Moms and Dads! Here's a fun game to play: When your kid gets home from school, be lying on the floor screaming in pain, "YOU STEPPED ON A CRACK!"

   Just sprayed "Sheer White Cotton" air freshener in the bathroom. Now, it smells like sheet.

   Just ordered "coffee" off the Starbucks secret menu.

   How long can I stay in a voting booth and scream "I'M STILL THINKING!!!!" before I'm physically removed? Let me know by November.

   "Im not talking without my lawyer present". Cop:"but you are the lawyer". Me: "Exactly, so where's my present"?

   I went to see a fat psychic the other day..... well it was actually a four chin teller.

   Man with Corona virus seeks woman with Lymes disease

   Q: How many Grammar Nazis does it take to change a light bulb? A: Too.

   Tomorrow is the National Homeschool Tornado Drill. Lock your kids in the basement until you give the all clear.

   Purell better be working on a combination sanitizer, and murder hornet repellent.

   It rained here in Arizona today, but it was a dry rain.😛