Funny Status Messages

   My performance with my wife last night was amazing. I lasted like 45 minutes!... Then I finally gave in and admitted she was right.

   I like my coffee to be a reflection of myself. Dark, bitter, and too hot for you.

   Submarines are safer than airplanes because there are more airplanes in the sea than submarines in the sky.

   I'm not an alcoholic. I am just a freelance quality control assurance man, for the beer industry...

   Me: Should I buy it? Brain: No!! Wallet: No!! Parents: No!! Cat: Meow NO!! Universe: NO!! Me: Sold.

   More than 2 million New Zealanders voted in the ballot to decide whether to keep the British Union Jack on their flag or replace it with a silver fern. They voted to keep the British Union Flag. Why can't we have a calm Presidential election in America?

   My wife was asking me about some divorcé papers or something. I don't know, it must be French.

   Hugs that turn into sex? Where do I get those? Mine always turn into "Let me go or I'm calling the police!"

   Opening day of baseball means only 120 more games until we need to start caring about baseball.

   I wish complaining about taxes was tax-deductable.

   My whole body is saying something but I don't know what it is.

   If stress was a drug I would be high as fuck.

   What comes after the man bun hairstyle? The he-hive!

   Studies show that human being experience feelings of joy when pushing the 'Skip Ad' button.

   Why are people always kicking things to the curb? If you really wanna get rid of something kick it to the middle of the street.

   Thanks to all the different kinds of craft beers my severe alcoholism just seems like a cool neat hobby.

   Women should not have children after 35 . . . Well what I really mean is . . . 35 children are enough!

   "I just read about a new 24-hour day care that's opening in India. Yeah, it's pretty cute, instead of playing telephone, the kids just play tech support.

   You know when you meet someone and you just know their phone screen is cracked without even seeing it?

   I'm self-deprecating but in an amaaaaaazing way.